Blondies, Aliens & Lesbians!
by SuperCowcow
Summary: Could you imagine Oz Vessalius and lieutenant Jean Havoc being friends? Yes, that's it: complete nonsense and weird things happening!


**A/N: I wrote this huge nonsense for my bro so it's gonna be weird I guarantee it! English is not my mother tongue. Please, tell me if you notice grammar mistakes.**

 **Disclaimer: PH belongs to Jun Mochizuki, FMA to Hiromu Arakawa, KLK to Trigger, Lucky Star to Kagami Yoshizumi and Mokona to CLAMP.**

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 **Blondies, Aliens & Lesbians!**

The living room door was violently opened and a wild Jean Havoc appeared. He had been drinking a lot yesterday. Well, nothing new. And by the way, it was not his fault! His bro forced him to do so! The evil Oz Vessalius was a well-known drunkard and he had turned his best friend into his drinking mate.

"Oz! My head hurts", whined the taller blonde.

The smaller threw an aspirin at him, which went directly into his mouth. Havoc swallowed it as if he were used to it.

"Do I look like a damn sea lion to you?"

"Totally dude!"

"Pfff you fucking blonde."

After this very intellectual conversation between our two heroes, things went like everyday. The two young men tried to hit on women everywhere, got punched in the face, collected fake numbers and got stuck with grandmas who found them very charming. Oz was far more resourceful than his friend Jean, who was not lucky at all. Indeed, he had been rejected so many times that his friends told him that he should become a monk.

Besides, the two blondies had very different lifestyles. Oz was an aristocrat and had a dark-haired servant at his disposal, whereas Jean was a yokel who had become a soldier under the orders of quite a sadist Colonel. Thus, the first one used to make fun of -or domineer- the poor Gilbert and take care of his pet Alice during his free time. In the meantime Havoc would submit himself to his boss and obey him blindly. Secretly, he hoped that one day he would put him in his bed.

Well, as you can see those men were pretty busy. Nevertheless, their tranquility was soon to be disturbed. One morning -while they were trying to cure their hangover- a group composed of four women, a man and an odd creature asked to meet them. Our two blondies were destined to fight an alien invasion!

At first, Oz and Jean thought that it was a joke orchestrated by Sharon and Breda. Our heroes suspected that those two were part of a coalition. A coalition of evil redheads. But the girl looking like the leader of the group swept away the idea of a conspiracy. Her name was Mako Mankanshokou. She left no choice to our favorite blondies and they quickly got involved in a wonderful adventure!

Apart from Mako, their new mates were called Ryuko, Gamagori, Konata and Kagami. And they also had a white ball of fluff on acid (don't do drugs, kids) on their side named Mokona. The troop gave them lightsabers to slaughter the enemy. Oz, true to himself, was already toying with his. He had just cut a table in two. Ryuko took the weapon far away from him while Konata started to go wild too. Fortunately, Kagami intervened in time and avoided the worst.

Suddenly, Mokona made a weird noise. He had just detected a bunch of enemies nearby: Gamagori ran towards the threat. He began to exterminate the aliens with his lightsaber, then Mako and Ryuko followed him. They wanted to be part of the massacre. Next, Konata and Kagami joined the battle which encouraged the two blondies to do the same. Oz and Jean looked at each other straight in the eye and charged -though they were not entirely sober.

A few hours later, the group had eradicated their fluorescent enemies. Oz invited the warriors to rest at his place. They were scarcely in the lounge that Konata had already collapsed on one of the sofas, which made Kagami mad.

"Konata you're not home! Could you please behave yourself?" yelled the purple girl at her friend.

"Come on Kagami, I'm tired!"

"It doesn't matter" said Oz showing his best smile to our favorite tsundere. But Konata was clearly not ok with that. She stood up and grabbed her mate.

"Mine."

Kagami could not stop blushing and stuttering though she enjoyed it. The way Konata showed affection to her never left Kagami indifferent.

Oz chose to get a bit away from them and focused on the two other young women. Mako seemed to never cease to hug and give love to Ryuko and Gamagori.

"Master Oz!" said a new voice.

It was the devoted Gilbert. When he saw his master covered in bruises and dirt he passed out. When he woke up, he was on the couch previously occupied by the blue-haired girl. At first he freaked out and then he stammered some words: "Master Oz! Wounded! Strangers! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!". Then he looked at Oz and ran towards him before he hugged the little blondie. Jean took advantage of the situation to tease them.

"Take a room!"

"Best idea ever!" replied Oz, grabbing Gilbert's butt.

"Hey!"

Jean felt a bit lonely suddenly. Indeed, there was a bunch of young people full of love (and pheromones) in front of him. He tried to hit on Ryuko but she calmed him down with only one word: "Lesbian". And that is how Jean Havoc gave up women definitely and called Roy Mustang in order to complain and more if they got on.

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 **Sorry but not sorry.**


End file.
